I'm Somewhere Between Princess and Villain, and I Kinda Like It
Photo by Lians Jadan on Unsplash
I’ve spent 5 years being a stay-at-home mom, and I’m just now settling into this version of myself. I’ve been riddled with overwhelming emotions over losing the pre-child version of me, while also being filled with so much gratitude over growing my family. It’s such a conflicting feeling. For a bit, I felt so enlightened and joyous about being a mother. But when the dust settled, I noticed there was sorrow.
This phenomenon happened again and again as I went from being a mom of 1 to a mom of 2, then 3. The pattern of it made me realize that becoming someone new is just as painful as it is joyful.
However, since I had kids in my early 20s, I really didn’t get to know myself before losing those versions of me. So I had to make time to understand past versions of myself in order to properly mourn that loss and evolve into the one I am now. In this evolution, I learned that I had to accept being a villain in some people’s eyes.
Here’s More of What I Learned So Far
#1 - My Boundaries Suck Ass
Now that I’m nearing my 30th year on this Earth, I’m reflecting a lot on where I am, where I’ve come from, and where I could’ve been had I set boundaries for myself and stood by them.
I’ve spent a lot of my time crying over why others aren’t bleeding as hard as me to prove their love. What made it hurt worse was that most of the time, they didn’t even realize I was bleeding. I made pouring from an empty cup a habit.
I didn’t have a routine that prioritizes my health, self-care, and sense of self, and I never did before because I never saw anyone prioritize themselves or set boundaries for their own sake.
What I’m Doing About It
I am treating myself like the bad-ass kid I am. I don’t wanna eat my veggies—I only want to eat junk. I don’t wanna go outside—I want to watch TV. I don’t wanna go to sleep—I want to sit up on that phone all night, cackling. I don’t wanna wake up early enough—I want to sleep in until I absolutely have to get up and start my day.
Truly, being a bad-ass kid is fun, but I don’t want any bad-ass kid around my kids. So, here’s how I’m reparenting myself:
Creating personal moral codes to live by
Teaching myself that no is a complete sentence
Taking time-outs when I lose my cool
Working on not apologizing for every little thing I do
Controlling how I release my emotions
Being strict on who I let in my inner circle
Not chasing people after they’ve caused me harm
Letting people go, even if it’s family, and it hurts
Standing firm on some alone time during the day and the night
Reflecting on decisions before making them
Taking deep breaths
Saying to myself, “I love you.”
The verdict is still out on whether I can completely guide my inner-child out of her bad-ass kid phase, but I have high hopes. These tactics seem to work on my children, so let’s see how they nourish little Imani. And if we’re being honest, I’ve prolonged coming out of this phase because I was forced to grow up too fast, and it’s been fun not giving a fuck.
#2 - I am Scared of Who I Could Become
Everything I’ve accomplished thus far, I've done so by operating at 65%. I know my skills. I know my talents. But I never really believed in the things I was chasing because I didn’t believe in myself. I often do enough to say I did it, but I never commit to the lifestyle needed to maintain what I earned.
I had this revelation while sitting in my garden, trying to figure out when accomplishing things became uncomfortable. After traveling through my memory, I found the moment when things shifted for me in my timeline.
After sitting with those resurfaced memories, I started to wonder what I was like before that. When I remembered, I had realization after realization. I discovered that I had never been taught how to just be with myself without judgment. Because of this, I used to criticize myself nonstop, and I struggled to just exist without feeling the need to mold myself into what I thought others wanted me to be.
Like, don’t get me wrong, I know I’m the shit, but I wasn’t feeling it. So I am reparenting myself and learning how to take care of my mind, body, and spirit.
What I’m Doing About It
Motherhood taught me that your kids don’t listen to shit you say. They learn by seeing and then copying. To raise a kid who knows how to take care of their mind, body, and spirit, they have to first witness it and then choose to experience it for themselves.
To be happy with being as I am, so I can be the example needed, I am restructuring my inner self by:
Giving myself a bedtime and morning routine that includes decompression, self-reflection, and journaling.
Correcting my inner voice when I speak negatively to myself
Writing down daily goals and making myself complete them
Setting reminders or cues to focus on the now, not the past or present
Encouraging myself through the uncomfortable phases of change instead of giving up
I have not yet successfully formed a strong habit around any of these goals, but consistently working toward them has already had a positive influence on my psyche.
#3 - I’m a Villain Just as Much as a Victim
I grew up with a mother who was male-centered, a step-father who found solace in a bottle of liquor, and aunts and uncles who said “I love you” after dog-walking one another, so it’s safe to say that I molded into someone who could give just as good as she got.
It was easy to overlook how I molded into the people I grew up with when it was just me, but as my life expands and I take on more responsibility as a wife and mother, I realize I am, in fact, a product of my environment. I would pour myself a glass of wine at the end of the day when things became too much. My feelings explode when I feel my ability to bleed for love isn’t matched. And I overexert myself until there is no time left in the day to take care of myself.
It’s hard as hell to be a good, kind-hearted person when I am feeling shitty all the time because I’m not taking care of myself.
I know my heart, but because I’m not taking care of and loving myself, my family and friends get a version of me they don’t deserve. I was forgetful and always behind, snappy because I was always tired, and too overwhelmed because of my lack of discipline to spend quality time with others. I felt like a robot—detached, cold, and programmed to repeat the same cycle: Stay up too late scrolling. Fall asleep scrolling. Spend the day rushing through with no time for connection. Repeat.
What I’m Doing About It
It’s easy to point my fingers and shame others for their lack of, but it’s hard for me to point that finger back at myself for my lack of self-love. And like every Disney villain, I victimized myself into a villain. Even though my coping mechanisms came about as a way to protect my psyche when faced with the discomfort of mourning and healing, the impact prevented me from being fully present emotionally and mentally for my loved ones. Some healthier coping mechanisms I’m trying include:
Picking up aerobic activities
Drinking teas
Gardening
Sitting outside or taking a walk
Screaming into pillows
Dancing in the dark, alone
Doing more hobbies
When life is kicking ass, and I feel like I am losing it, I trade through these coping mechanisms, and they actually do help. I do have to push myself to make these healthier choices, and I don’t always choose them, but I see the benefits when I do. I’ve learned that evolving into a healthier version of yourself takes time, and there’s a lot of backsliding when experimenting with coping mechanisms. I would say, though, that following a bedtime and morning routine makes it easier for me to choose healthy coping mechanisms throughout the day.
#4 - You Are Always Healing and Evolving
You know, my journey through healing and growing is why I don’t judge others for being where they are. It took me years to get to a point of completely cutting off or distancing myself from family because their presence triggered memories that retraumatized me, especially when there’s a lack of accountability and evolution.
Now that I’m no longer existing in a state of trauma, I’m able to see myself fully, and instead of being angry at myself for who I am, I’m giving myself grace and permission to change. It’s hard. It’s ugly. It’s a process. And so far, the most important thing that I’ve learned is that your evolution is never-ending, and it is necessary. Everyone tells you to practice self-love, but few actually do, or they’re not vulnerably honest about how a lack of self-love can ruin you and your relationships.
What I’m Doing About It
At this point in my journey, the best I can do to accept this necessary, never-ending process is by being like, “fuck it,” and rolling with the punches. I’m gonna keep waking up every day and trying my best, because it’s all I can do.
And That’s Why I’m Somewhere Between Princess and Villain
Allowing myself to mourn and make peace with old versions of myself led to the release of overwhelming emotions. I felt guilty over not loving and taking care of past versions of myself, and I was feeling mom-guilt, too. I was unable to embrace the version I needed to be now because I struggled with mourning the loss of who I used to be.
That internal battle made it difficult to evolve, but now that I’ve ugly cried, raged, isolated, and had depressive episodes here and there, I’m starting to connect with myself—and ya girl has been twirling in the garden under the moonlight, feeling blissful. I don’t feel detached from older versions of myself; I feel uplifted by them. Each version led me to this point, and now I get to discover this new version of myself—with no reservations.
Until next time, may your everyday hold a little enchantment.
-Imanileo
